A friend and I were texting each other just to check in and he asked, “How are YOU doing?” It had been a rough few weeks. Rach had surgery, then she and all the kids had the flu for about a week and a half, and there were other monsters rearing their ugly heads. Miraculously, I was running at 100%, although a bit weary. My response to the question was that life was feeling dark, hard, and heavy. It’s not that I was feeling depressed or as if some internal battle was raging within me rather, it was an external battle, where I found myself fighting to keep the forces of chaos from getting the upper hand. I found myself fighting to illuminate the darkness and establish order. And at times, it felt like a losing battle.
In the last few days, I have been thinking through this notion of darkness and light, chaos and order, and the reality of a perpetual tug of war that we find ourselves caught in the middle of with these opposing realities. So then, what is the path forward? How do we gain the upper hand, especially when we feel like we are treading water all the while feeling that at any moment, one more thing could drag us into the abyss? How do we move forward when it feels like we can barely save ourselves, let alone others?
I have been on this journey of restoring the foundations of my life. When I say that, I am talking about my spiritual, physical, mental and emotional health. It is a process that takes time, but is work worth doing. In October of last year, I injured my shoulder. I wish I had a cool story to tell you, but no. I tweaked my shoulder by sleeping on it in a way that required physical therapy to recover full mobility of it. Welcome to your 40s, right?
Turning 40 in September caused me to think about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I am going. After some time of reflection, my conclusion came in the words of Jocko Willink, “Build or decay. The choice is yours.” I choose to build. Not just for my own sake, but for my family, my friends, and those who cross my path. I want to be the best version of myself for the sake of others. So, like any sane person does, I joined a CrossFit gym and community. As someone who struggles with social anxiety and feeling like everyone is watching me, not to observe my success but rather my failure, simply walking through the doors of a CrossFit gym produces a good case of heart palpitations. But I entered the gym and never turned back. And I’m becoming a holistically healthier person because of it.
I was processing through this with my counselor and the conclusion I arrived at was this: If I really want to help people, whether they are family, friends, or even strangers, I have to put on my oxygen mask first before I help someone else put their mask on. Only when it’s done in that order and the life-giving oxygen begins to flow, can any semblance of equanimity appear.
So this battle between light and darkness, chaos and order. What is your, my, our next move? The bad news, is that we are our own worst enemies and critics, and unable to save ourselves, let alone anyone else. The good news, there is someone greater who alone offers the salvation we seek, who is the light in the darkness, who establishes order out of chaos. I can’t help but think of the story of the storm on the Sea of Galilee, where Jesus is walking on the water and the testing of Peter’s faith:
28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” [1]
Peter’s rescue from imminent doom comes from the one who beckons all of us to get out of the boat and to follow him. Yes, I can establish order and illuminate the darkness in incremental steps, but there are circumstances which I have zero control over. I’m reminded of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Ultimately, it’s Christ who extends his hand and the forces of chaos part as he holds us fast to him and order emerges. Our path forward? Follow him, and focus on those steps no matter how small or large they may be, which help us build the best version of ourselves and contend for the best in others. Let us be faithful with what we are capable of and place our faith in Christ for the things that are out of our reach.
[1] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Mt 14:28–33.